


Leap

by travelingpsycho



Category: Japanese Actor RPF, Johnny's Entertainment, Kanjani8 (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-31
Updated: 2012-01-31
Packaged: 2017-10-30 09:44:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/330374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/travelingpsycho/pseuds/travelingpsycho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They've drifted away from the way things used to be, and even if they both know it, Yasu doesn't know how to change that. What will happen if he tries?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Leap

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted at [K8 Exchange](http://k8-exchange.livejournal.com/) in July 2011.

When Subaru smiles at him, Yasu feels like he can do anything. It doesn't even matter if Subaru is laughing at him. Something about that smile makes him feel warm and strong and inspired and ready to take on whatever life throws at him. He doesn't say it out loud because he gets enough grief over the way he talks about Subaru as it is, but he thinks it, and he files that thought and the feeling that goes with it away for those days when Subaru doesn't smile at him. After all, he thinks, he needs to be strong on his own too.

He's been thinking that more and more recently, not because he feels weak, but because it seems like he's not on the receiving end of Subaru's smiles as much anymore. It's not that Subaru's sad, as far as he can tell; it's only that it's not Yasu he's smiling at as often.

Nothing happened, not really. They're still friends, and sometimes Subaru beams at him and Yasu smiles back and feels the way he always has. But they've drifted away from the way things used to be, and even if they both know it, Yasu doesn't know how to change that. He doesn't know if he can. He doesn't know if Subaru wants to.

He doesn't brood about it. It's not in his nature, and besides, he's happy with his life right now. But it's there, in the back of his mind, every time he looks at Subaru and a little part of him wonders, "Do you miss me too?"

* * *

When Subaru beats out Hina to have Yasu read him a "love letter," Yasu doesn't know how to feel. If it were three or even two years ago, he would have loudly proclaimed his love and respect for Subaru and not cared what anyone thought. He wouldn't have worried about how Subaru would respond. His feelings haven't changed, when it comes down to it. But Subaru has, and Yasu can't miss the faces he makes, like this is more a punishment for him than for Yasu.

Even so, Yasu is nothing if not honest, so he says what's in his heart. Not everything, but enough. In the end, he's surprised to find he feels relieved. He doesn't know how Subaru felt about it, or how (or if) he'll respond, but he's put it all out there. He thinks, somehow, that Subaru will understand. As long as he understands, maybe it doesn't even matter if nothing changes.

Subaru doesn't say anything after the concert, and soon the tour is over and Yasu wonders if everything he said will be forgotten. They still have a lot of work together, with all the singles coming up, but concerts are different. It's okay, Yasu tells himself, if Subaru has nothing to say or simply doesn't say anything, but he can't help feeling a little disappointed.

When Subaru's answer finally does come, it's in a letter, a real letter, slipped into Yasu's bag at work one day. He goes out with friends after work, and it's not until the next day that he cleans out his bag and finds the envelope with his name in Subaru's familiar handwriting. His heart starts beating faster even though he has no idea what's in the letter; Subaru wouldn't write to him like this unless it was something serious.

_Dear Yasuda Shota-sama,_ the letter starts, and he has to smile. Maybe it's not _entirely_ serious. The amusement mutes his nervousness enough that he can read the rest of the letter:

>   
> 
> 
> _Thank you for your letter the other day. I'm sorry that my reply is so late._   
> 

>   
> 
> 
> _The truth is, your letter took me by surprise. It wasn't what you said that surprised me. It was that I'd forgotten how it felt to have you say those things to me._   
> 

>   
> 
> 
> _It's hard for me to explain how I feel right now, but I'd like to talk to you about it, and about many other things. It's been too long since we talked, just us. I hope you can find time for me._   
> 

Yasu stares at the letter for a long time, reading it over and over again. He's happy, but also scared and unsure and a whole mix of other emotions. Subaru wants to talk to him. That's good, but what will happen if they really talk? He can't begin to guess.

He finally musters up his courage and calls Subaru, who answers with a groggy, "Hello?"

"Hi," Yasu says. He doesn't know why, but he's smiling already. "It's me."

"Hi," Subaru replies, sounding a little more awake now.

"I got your letter," Yasu tells him. "I'd be happy to talk to you."

He half expects Subaru to brush him off, to try and say that he didn't mean it, but all he says is, "Okay."

* * *

They meet in a cafe, a quiet place where they can have the privacy to have a real conversation without the commitment of meeting in one of their apartments. That seems to be the watchword for today in Yasu's mind: don't ask too much. Don't push too hard. Let Subaru come to you, if that's what he wants.

Yasu orders a coffee and waits until Subaru gets there, giving a stiff smile as he slides into the seat across from him. He sticks to water, though from his obvious tension he'd probably prefer something stronger.

"So," Yasu starts, once they've been left alone. There's a lot he wants to say, but he doesn't know where to begin. Subaru makes no move to say anything, just looks at him with that piercing gaze he sometimes gets without even meaning to. It always makes Yasu feel like Subaru can see into his soul, though he knows perfectly well that's not true.

The silence stretches out and Yasu is just thinking that he has to say _something_ when Subaru speaks up, voice quiet but even. "I miss you," he says simply.

"You see me all the time." Yasu only smiles a little, but on the inside he's full of cautious excitement. This is what he was hoping to hear.

Subaru makes a face at that. "You know what I mean. I miss how—I miss spending time together, like this." When Yasu just nods, not wanting to make a big deal of this, Subaru sighs exaggeratedly. "Give me a break. I can't believe you don't have anything to say."

Yasu has to smile more at that. "Sorry. I just didn't want to say too much."

"Since when do you worry about that?" Subaru asks, gently teasing.

"With you, always," Yasu says in the same tone. He regrets it when he sees hurt flash over Subaru's face, but when he thinks about it, it's the truth. He's always been honest with Subaru, but there were some things he couldn't say. "I didn't mean it like that," he amends quickly. He wants to explain it away, but he doesn't really know how.

To his surprise, Subaru just nods. "I know," he says.

There's another silence as Yasu wonders what to make of that. Does Subaru understand the things he's never said, or does he just know that Yasu would never mean to hurt him? He can't see anything in Subaru's expression to help him understand. Then Subaru smiles crookedly, embarrassed, and says, "Does it have to be like this? I just want to spend time with you outside of work again. That's all."

Maybe Yasu should be disappointed by that, but right now, it's enough. He nods. "That's okay. I want that too."

"Good," Subaru says, and that's enough.

* * *

The change that follows in nothing dramatic. It's little things, like going shopping with Subaru and smiling quietly to himself as he asks for clothes in his size, like playing songs he's working on for Subaru and feeling warm and happy when Subaru praises them. It's realizing that nothing really has changed between them, not at the fundamental level where they understand each other no matter what. That's really all Yasu wanted, or at least all he ever hoped for.

It's better now, but it's not quite like it was. There's a certain hesitation in their interaction, like they're both not sure how far they can take this. It's probably nothing anyone else would notice, but Yasu feels it. The things that came between them haven't gone away, at least not in Yasu's mind, so sooner or later they'll have to come out and be dealt with for real. For now, though, he'd rather avoid that. He's just happy spending time with Subaru like this.

Yasu thinks he's going to have to broach the topic sooner or later, but in the end, it's Subaru who brings it up. He's in a serious mood today, not melancholy, but like his mind is far away from Yasu and his rambling attempts at conversation. It's not really a surprise to Yasu when Subaru fixes him with a thoughtful look and asks, "What happened between us?"

Yasu gives a crooked half-smile as he searches for an answer. "I don't know," he says. "It felt like...maybe it was in my head, but it felt like you pulled away from me." He's worried about how Subaru will take that, but it's the truth, and it's out there now.

Subaru takes a long time to respond, looking past Yasu now with a faraway look in his eyes. Finally, he simply says, "I did." That does take Yasu by surprise, but he tries not to overreact. "The way things were before...I really depended on you. For stupid little things like asking for clothes, and for bigger things like listening to me when I really needed someone to talk to."

"Isn't that what friends are for?" Yasu asks lightly, a little scared to hear where this is going.

"You've always been a good friend." Yasu's not sure if he's agreeing or not. "But I thought I should be stronger. I didn't want to need you too much, in case..." He doesn't finish the thought, just says, "You deserve better. I do too."

"You are strong, Shibuyan," Yasu says earnestly. "It's okay to depend on people sometimes."

Subaru is quiet again, lips pressed together. Yasu desperately wants to know what's going through his mind, but all he can do is wait. When he does speak, his voice is quiet. "You said that you were worried about saying too much."

Yasu flinches. He should've known that would come back to haunt him. He's not sure what Subaru's getting at, but his impulse is to deny. "I didn't mean it like that..."

To his relief, Subaru doesn't push. Instead, he says, "I felt you pulling away too. I know I made you mad sometimes, or...I don't know why, but I felt it, or thought I did. And I didn't want to lean on you too hard if there was a chance you might push me away."

Yasu doesn't know what to say to that. Is it possible he was pulling back from Subaru without realizing it? He wants to deny it flat out, but he's not so sure. "I didn't mean to," he says. "If I made you think that, I honestly didn't mean to."

Subaru takes a deep, slow breath, in and out, while Yasu holds his. "There is something," he says firmly, like the conclusion of some train of thought. He meets Yasu's eyes again, gaze piercing. "I've always been honest with you." There's no rebuke in his tone, but Yasu feels it anyway. "I've opened myself up to you. What is there that you can't tell me?"

As much as he'd like to brush off the question, Yasu can't lie to Subaru when he's looking at him like that. "You don't want to know..." he hedges. He doesn't want to answer, not when that might ruin his rekindled connection with Subaru. There's a reason he's kept some things inside for so long, hidden them even from himself when he never likes to lie.

"Yasu," Subaru chides softly. "Just tell me."

"I like you," Yasu blurts out the instant he finishes, before he can lose his nerve. He's pretty sure this is a terrible idea, but he sees no possible solution but honesty at this point.

A shutter goes down in Subaru's eyes. "Oh," he says.

"I told you you didn't want to know," Yasu mutters. He finds himself suddenly mad, not so much at Subaru's reaction as at the way he forced it out of him after all this time. This is why he didn't want to say anything.

"Yasu, I—" Subaru starts, uneasiness written all over his face.

"Forget it," Yasu cuts in. "You don't have to be nice about it." It comes out too harsh, so he takes a breath to calm himself and tries again. "You don't have to say anything. But now you know."

"Now I know," Subaru echoes, and that's all he says on the subject. When he makes an excuse to leave soon after, Yasu is almost glad to see him go.

* * *

The next time he sees Subaru, for Kanjani8 work, it's like nothing ever happened. Subaru is in a good mood, goofing off with Maru and Yoko. He doesn't go out of his way to talk to Yasu, but he doesn't avoid him either. When he catches Yasu's eye over some shared joke, there's nothing fake about his smile. It's like nothing ever happened. Yasu's relieved, but there's a little part of him that's disappointed too, no matter how much he tries to convince himself it's for the best.

He's supposed to have dinner with Ohkura after work, but Subaru catches him first. "Got a minute?" he asks. Yasu looks over at Ohkura, who waves him off with an awfully knowing look, even though Yasu hasn't said a word to him about any of this.

"Sure," Yasu says, smiling to cover his wariness.

They find an empty room, safe from nosy bandmates, and then Subaru turns to him with a slight quirk of his lips that Yasu can't explain and asks, "Why didn't you tell me before?"

"What?" He's not expecting the question at all. Subaru doesn't elaborate, just waits for his answer. "I didn't want to make things awkward."

"You did anyway," Subaru says wryly.

Yasu can't be offended because it's true, after all. He makes a face. "I know. Sorry."

There's a long pause while Yasu tries to figure out what Subaru wants. What more is there to say on the subject? It's possible, if hard to believe, that Subaru might feel the same, but Yasu thinks he would know if that were the case. Besides, he would've said something before, wouldn't he?

"I don't care," Subaru says at last. "That you like me like that. I mean, it doesn't bother me. I get it if you don't want to be around me right now, but if you don't mind, then nothing needs to change." He sounds so hopeful that Yasu can't help smiling at him.

Yasu nods. "We've been having fun. I don't want to ruin that."

"Me neither," Subaru agrees.

Yasu doesn't really know what to make of this, but he thinks it's good. "So we're okay?"

Subaru smiles, wide enough that Yasu doesn't care that his heart skips a beat at the sight. "We're okay."

* * *

And they are okay, to Yasu's mixed relief and surprise. It's nothing new to him, when he thinks about it, being just friends with Subaru despite his feelings for him. The only difference is that now he has nothing to hide from himself or Subaru, and no reason to hold himself back. He'd forgotten how that felt, and it's good enough that he doesn't care that his feelings aren't returned. It's a strange situation, but it works for them.

Things continue that way for a month and then another and another, until one night when Yasu goes over to Subaru's apartment to discuss a song he's working on. Working turns into drinking, as it often does, and Yasu thinks nothing of it until he looks up from a sheet of music and suddenly finds Subaru's lips on his.

The only thing that keeps him from jumping away is the guitar on his lap. As it is, he leans back immediately, breaking the kiss. "What was that?" he asks. His heart is pounding, and all he can think is, _This wasn't supposed to happen._

Subaru doesn't move, still too close for comfort. "Sorry," he says, but he doesn't sound like he means it.

"Don't mess around," Yasu snaps, anger bubbling up all of a sudden. He sets his guitar down safely before he gets to his feet.

"Wait!" Subaru protests, quickly standing up. "Wait, Yasu. You don't understand."

"Then explain it to me." Yasu's anger is already fading, replaced by a resigned sort of fear.

"I wanted to kiss you." Subaru sounds for all the world like a pouty child caught eating candy, and Yasu might laugh if he wasn't still so tense.

"Why?" He's afraid to speculate.

"Because I've been thinking a lot about you," Subaru says slowly, weighing his words.

"And?" Yasu refuses to jump to any conclusions until Subaru's spelled it out. He doesn't dare.

"And I wanted to kiss you." Yasu looks at him stonily, and Subaru gets the message and continues, "And I think I like you now, maybe."

"Maybe?" Yasu hardly dares to get his hopes up, even now. He's not even sure what he's hoping for; the stakes feel worryingly high.

"I like you," Subaru amends. Yasu can't believe his ears, not even when Subaru repeats one more time, "I like you." Then, "I'm sorry it took me so long. I could have saved us a lot of trouble, huh?"

That makes Yasu laugh, more from relief than because it's funny. "It's okay," he says.

"When you say 'okay'..." Subaru is smiling, but there's a wariness to it.

And now Yasu stops to think and doesn't know what to say. This is what he wanted, but he feels unsure. If this doesn't go well, if Subaru's not as serious about it as he is, if he's more serious...he doesn't want to risk ruining this comfortable friendship that they've settled into.

"What?" Subaru asks. His smile has faded now.

"Maybe it's better if we stay friends," Yasu finds himself saying.

"Stay...but you're the one who wanted this!" Subaru protests.

"I know. But I thought about it and I do like you but I don't want us to—"

"Hey!" Subaru cuts in. Yasu shuts his mouth uncertainly. "I didn't think you were the kind of person to play it safe. Is that really what you want?"

Yasu feels guilty, somehow. Subaru's right; this isn't him. He should be willing to take the risk, scary though it might be.

"Sho-chan?" Subaru asks, and Yasu looks at him, looking equal parts determined and unsure, and he knows he can't refuse this.

"You're right, he says.

"Of course I am." Yasu recognizes his smugness as bravado but lets him have it. He steps close to Subaru, and Subaru smiles before he leans in for another kiss. If Subaru's smile made Yasu feel good, his kiss has him walking on air, thrilled beyond belief because he never thought this would happen. Maybe he should be embarrassed, or worried about what will happen now, but he only feels happy.

* * *

Yasu has to drag himself away that night. It would be easy to stay, but it's late and as tempting as it is, he doesn't want to rush this. Besides, he's waited for so long; what's a little longer?

He's busy for the next few days with play rehearsals, too busy for anything but a few e-mails back and forth. Then Subaru calls him in the evening just as he's getting home. "Come over," he says, in that needy whine Yasu hasn't heard in a long time. "I miss you."

Yasu laughs at that, knowing he's not completely serious. "Already?"

"Yes," Subaru says, undeterred. Yasu can easily picture his exaggerated pout. "Don't you?"

Yasu sets down his bag but picks up his keys again. "I'm on my way," he says.

Subaru grins when he opens the door and steps back to let Yasu into his apartment. "That was fast."

"I guess I miss you too," Yasu says with a smile. Subaru smiles back, smug. "So...what do you want to do?" He means it to sound a little teasing, but it comes out full-on suggestive.

For a second, Subaru looks surprised, but then he smirks. "I don't know. What do you want to do?" He manages to make the question sound much more suggestive than Yasu ever could, but Yasu finds it cute more than anything else. _You've got it bad,_ he thinks, but he finds he doesn't mind at all.

"Let's skip the games," Yasu murmurs, taking a step toward Subaru. He wouldn't mind, normally, but this is their first time and he can't help getting serious.

Once he stops leering, Subaru looks a little hesitant, not trying to hide it. "Whatever you want," he says quietly.

Then Yasu kisses him, soft but sure, and the hesitation disappears. They kiss like that for a while, standing by the door, and Yasu likes the lack of urgency. It's like they have all the time in the world, because they do, don't they?

Subaru is apparently (and unsurprisingly) less patient. After a while, he tugs on Yasu's shirt and whispers, "Come on." Then, louder, "At least come inside." He's not content with just that, taking Yasu's wrist and leading him to the bedroom. Then he smiles again as he plants both hands on Yasu's chest and pushes him down to sit at the foot of the bed. "That's more like it," he says, climbing onto Yasu's lap.

When they kiss now, it's more heated, hungry. Subaru's hands are tight on his shoulders and Yasu pulls him closer, until Subaru's legs wrap around his back and they're pressed tight together. His nerves are charged; he feels every single point of contact and still wants more. Subaru's hands have come up to his head, twisting in his hair, and he breaks the kiss to gasp for air.

"I want to touch you," Subaru says, voice low, his lips brushing against Yasu's cheekbone. Yasu's not sure what he's asking for, but he settles for pulling off his shirt. Subaru's quickly follows it to the floor, and then he ducks his head to press kisses down Yasu's neck and over his chest, hands tracing the muscles of his abs. It's like he can't get enough, and Yasu can't either, leaning back on his elbows as Subaru moves down his body.

Subaru drops one last kiss low on his stomach before raising his head a little. His hands come down lightly on Yasu's sides, then lower to meet the waistband of his pants. Yasu unconsciously holds his breath, watching and waiting. Subaru is intent on his hands as they find the button on Yasu's pants and pop it open, then drag the zipper down. It's a little strange, maybe, but Yasu likes it, the way nothing in the world seems to matter to Subaru but what he's doing right now.

"Shibuyan," Yasu breathes, and Subaru looks up and smiles faintly.

"What?"

Yasu shakes his head. Subaru would only laugh at him if he said what he's feeling now, and he's not sure he could put it into words anyway. Subaru's lips quirk up a bit more, but he doesn't say anything, just holds Yasu's gaze as he pulls his pants off. He laughs a little at the sight of Yasu's multicolored underwear but he doesn't comment, just puts a hand down on Yasu's hip.

It's not enough, so Yasu pulls him down for another kiss, wanting to feel Subaru's body against his. He rolls them over so Subaru is under him and when he rocks his hips, Subaru groans softly and pushes at Yasu's shoulders. He takes the hint and moves off, and Subaru quickly strips off his pants and underwear, Yasu following suit.

Then Subaru lies back down and Yasu spreads out on top of him, rolling his hips again and reveling in the way Subaru moans against his lips. His skin feels hot everywhere they're touching and he thinks he could stay like this forever. They do stay like that for a while, kissing deep and steady, hands moving on each other's skin. Yasu's starts to learn the sounds Subaru makes, and the touches that'll make him shudder and moan, and he loves it.

But eventually he wants more, so he pulls back and props himself up on his hands. Subaru looks back at him, eyes dark and deep, and Yasu gets a little lost in them before Subaru says, "Let me up." He does, and Subaru moves to the head of the bed and digs out a condom and a container of lube from the drawer there. He hands the lube to Yasu with a smile that's somehow shamelessly eager and a little shy at the same time. Yasu takes it and kisses the smile off his face before he lies down and spreads his legs exaggeratedly.

Yasu laughs a little, shaking his head. "Shibuyan..." 

Subaru smirks, the shyness gone from his expression. "Just in case you weren't sure what I wanted."

For just a moment, Yasu stops to marvel that he's here, like this, with Subaru waiting for him, and he smiles tenderly at him. "Come on," Subaru whines, embarrassed again, and Yasu doesn't make him wait any longer. He kneels between Subaru's legs, slicking his fingers with lube, and slides one finger in. Subaru's breath catches, but he's quiet otherwise, his eyes drifting shut.

Yasu watches him as he starts to move his hand, the way his eyes squeeze shut tighter and his breathing gets harsher. With the second finger, he gets louder, groaning and murmuring some encouraging words Yasu can't quite make out. He opens his eyes when Yasu adds one more finger and the intensity of his gaze is almost unnerving, but alluring too. Yasu's seen that expression on Subaru's face before, but not like this, not focused all on him. He twists his fingers and when Subaru moans deeply without looking away, Yasu almost forgets to breathe.

He doesn't think he can wait any longer, so he's glad Subaru doesn't object when he pulls his hand away, finding the condom and hurriedly rolling it on. He pushes Subaru's legs back and takes one deep, slow breath before he pushes in. It feels so good that he can hardly stand to wait for more, realizing how long they've been at it by how turned on he is. Luckily, Subaru is impatient too, his face scrunching up in pain for just a moment before he breathes out and whispers, "Hurry."

Yasu does just that, starting to move in quick thrusts, getting longer and deeper. Subaru's really making noise now, crying out and moaning with each thrust. Yasu doesn't hold back either, his own grunts and moans seeming quiet in comparison. Once he gets a rhythm going, he wraps a hand around Subaru's erection, the first touch sending a shudder through him that makes Yasu gasp. He starts stroking steadily, and soon Subaru is writhing under him. They're not going to last long, but Yasu doesn't care, eager to come and equally eager to make Subaru fall apart.

When Subaru comes, he clutches at the sheets with both hands, arching up and squeezing his eyes shut and giving a deep, throaty moan. Yasu's pace falters, partly because he's watching and partly because of the way Subaru's body clamps down around him, but then he starts moving faster. He's almost there, and then Subaru pushes against him and he's gone, shaking as pleasure courses through his body.

Yasu doesn't want the moment to end, so he bends down and gives Subaru a kiss, soft and slow now that the urgency is gone. He gets up to throw the condom away and then lies on his side next to Subaru, who has his eyes closed again. He puts a hand on Subaru's stomach, not really doing anything, just wanting to feel him, and Subaru smiles without opening his eyes. "Sho-chan?" he murmurs.

Yasu feels warm and relaxed and the sound of Subaru's voice makes him smile. "Hmm?"

Subaru opens his eyes and rolls onto his side, putting a hand on Yasu's cheek and kissing him. "I do love you most," he says quietly. His smile twists with amusement a little, but he seems sincere.

It takes a moment for Yasu to realize he's talking about his letter, and then he laughs. It's not that he doesn't think Subaru means it; he's just so happy he can't help it. They've taken a long time to get here, and even if he doesn't know what will happen, right now, it's perfect. "Me too," he says. "I love you too."


End file.
